Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Come and see us!

Hello,

Long time etc.

There will be a performance of our sitcom at the Marine pub in South Shields at 7:30pm on Thursday 4th Feb 2016. Come along and have a laugh (hopefully).

A new sketch below for you.



BAD DATE

By

MKM COMEDY (Jamie McLeish, David Metcalf & Andrew Kirkwood)


A ROMANTIC RESTAURANT – NIGHT

JOE and DANNI are sitting having a first date together.

Sound of cutlery and glassware

Joe
Thanks for coming. I'm sorry I'm a bit late but I had a knock on the door just as I was leaving from two people who gave me a twenty minute lecture about the value of brown bread over white. I think they were Hovis witnesses.

DANNI
No, no, don't be silly.  It was nice emailing and talking with you on the phone for the past few weeks but it's lovely to meet you in person. I'm looking forward to the food, I'm starving!

JOE
Me too, I've not had anything to eat since breakfast. Been stuck on the toilet all day with nerves.

DANNI
You shouldn't feel nervous about meeting me.

Joe
It's just that I haven't been on a date for a while.

DANNI
When was your last one?

JOE
Third year infants. Well, I don't know if you'd class it as a date as such. Melanie Smithson and I were caught in the girl’s toilets together by the head-teacher and were forced to write a letter of apology to each other’s Mum and Dad.

DANNI
That's er...that's awful.




JOE
Yer telling me. It wouldn't have been so bad if the teacher hadn't cast us together as Mary and Joseph in the school nativity 3 weeks later. God, the shame! Walking around the dining hall wearing a tea-towel on my head, with my arm around Melanie while the rest of the class sang "Little Donkey". I thought they were singing about me.

DANNI
Because you felt like an ass?

JOE
Because I'm hung like a grand national winner.

DANNI
Wha-?

JOE
Joke! Joke! Ha-ha!

DANNI
Oh, I-

JOE
I'm actually severely lacking in the er...now, the menu.

DANNI
What do you fancy? I think I'll have the lasagne.

Joe
Urggh! I can't be doing with any foreign muck.

DANNI
It's an Italian restaurant. What did you think they'd have?

JOE
I'm just looking for my favourite.

DANNI
What's that?

Joe
Haribo Tangfastic. Nope, it's not here. Never mind.

DANNI
(struggling for conversation)
So, Joe. Erm, do you...do you have any Brothers or Sisters?

Joe
No. But I am circumcised.

DANNI
Ooooookay. Do you have any hobbies?

Joe
I've just taken up boxing.

DANNI
Really?

JOE
Yeah, I joined a club last month and I hope to have my first fight soon. I've had my medical and everything. My trainer rang me yesterday to tell me that unfortunately I've got Sugar Diabetes but I told him that I’m not bothered, I'll fight anybody. So, are you a virgin?

DANNI
Pardon?

JOE
Coz I am and I just wanted to get that out there and if you are then maybe...well, you know?

DANNI
No. No, I don't know.

JOE
Well, I've taken the liberty of purchasing some contraptions from the gents before you arrived.

DANNI
You what?

JOE
Yeah, "Ribbed and dotted - for your pleasure". They've got these funny lines and dots all over them. I didn't know they made condoms for blind people.

DANNI
Joe, I think this has been a mistake. You've obviously got the wrong idea about what a date with me, or anybody, will involve and I think it best if we just got the bill for our drinks and said our goodbyes.

JOE
No! That would be a terrible idea. I haven't kissed you yet.

DANNI
That's not going to happen.


JOE
But I've got you a present. I couldn't afford much as I've just lost a fortune in the betting shop. I had a tip on two horses, Sunshine and Moonlight but they both lost. I blame it on the bookie.

DANNI
I'm sorry Joe, I've got to go. You seem like a sweet guy but you obviously have no idea how to behave on a date.

JOE
(pleading)
No, don't go! I tell you what, you have to stay if I can name twelve vegetables in under 30 seconds.

DANNI
That's ridiculous.

JOE
Fine. Doesn' Marra.



End

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

NEW WORK!!!

Hello to the one person who viewed our blog yesterday, hope you're doing well. How's the kids?

Some links below to the web-series we wrote and was produced by an MA student in Bournemouth.

Please feel free to send it viral.

The Backbenchers


***************BONUS!!!*****************

Photo of us:




Cheers.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

One small step for MKM...

Hello again, my friends! Just called to say hello, I think about you every night....

It's been a while (what's 9 months? One of us could have had a baby in that time. If we had a womb).

We've been busy you see. Writing a sitcom which has been made, by people who know what they're doing - check out the trailer:

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-backbenchers-webseries
We've also done some work for  4amCAB.com and the 10ish minute show http://the10ishminutesshow.podbean.com/

So, you can see that we haven't just been lazing about, scratching ourselves. We've written some great new stuff...for which we've not received a penny. However, the joy of seeing our names in print and being associated with quality shows is fantastic and is hopefully a step in the right direction.

Seriously though, a couple of quid would have been nice.


MKM

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

A Letter from the Editor


THE EDITOR'S BIG COLUMN
When Lord Clarence Twiggy-Smythe established this newspaper in 1906, he wanted to bring truth, integrity and good old-fashioned common-sense to Fleet Street. For over 100 years we have delivered that dream. However, with the spectre of the Royal Charter for press regulation hanging over the printed press, the empire he created will surely be destroyed.
Regulation of the press by politicians is, put simply, a gag. And not a sexy one. Not that I would know anything about that, I leave that kind of thing to the sons of 1930s fascists. As an upstanding member of British society I can honestly say that I myself have never been involved in anything of that nature. Nor has Lord Twiggy-Smythe, and just you never mind what all those other lying rags, like the Daily Mail, keep printing about him. It's all rubbish!

Just think of all the investigations and exposés this newspaper has brought to the public's attention over the last 107 years then ask yourself “would I, the public, that being you, I mean me....would I have known about these momentous events if the Royal Charter had been in place?”:

1922 – Lady Cummerbund went on holiday in the South of France. She frolicked fully clothed on the beach, as her husband fumed at her antics and said “what what” a lot.

1936 – Adolf Hitler revealed his love of kittens and knitwear. But not kittens ON knitwear.
He hated that. In fact, it was near the top of his list of things he didn't like.
1944 – Gandhi is revealed to be a fish-fryer from Doncaster. Real name: Archie Laverick
1967 – we expose how Rupert Murdoch pays his Page 3 girls with newspapers.
Three Suns per nipple + a News of the World for a hint of bush.
1971 – some war happened.
1982 – ROYAL BABY EXCLUSIVE! We revealed the royals were capable of having babies. FACT.
1994 – the fall of the Berlin Wall
2001 – Arthur C Clark was wrong. About some of it. Though he did predict satellites and floating pens and long, drawn-out films with obscure meanings.
2008 – The MPs expenses scandal.
The last entry on that list. Think hard about that one.


Do you think THEY, in THEIR MASSIVE MANSIONS, feeding their DUCK PONDS with DUCK HOUSES and flipping THEIR FLIPPING MORTGAGES with YOU, THE TAXPAYERS' MONEY would ever let YOU, the TAXPAYER, know anything about THAT ?? Huh? Don't be so silly. These politicians, with their noses in the trough, that's YOU the TAXPAYERS' TROUGH; they would have tied our hands together, taped over our mouths, bundled us in the back of a van, driven us to a patch of wasteland just outside Bootle, pulled off our blindfolds and stuck a massive big fuck-off brick-shithouse sawn-off shotgun up our truth filled nostrils and said, “Eat this Journo scum-pig!”
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
That's what Ed Milliband wants. That's what Nick Clegg wants. That's what Jeff Lyne from The Electric Light Orchestra wants. That's what Ian Lavender off of Dad's Army wants. That's what Liza Tarbuck wants. That's what Wordy from Words and Pictures wants. That's what Colin Firth wants. Or is it Hugh Grant?
Journalists should be allowed to publish what they want, when they want and then take the consequences if it's wrong.
Obviously an apology will be made in a prominent place in the paper. You'd be surprised how popular the “OddBalls” and "Fifteen Second Crossword" section is. That's where we put our apology to that nutty looking bloke we “hounded” for weeks on end. We still think he did it, mind. Weirdo.
 
So I say NO! Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Monday, 26 August 2013

NUTS Magazine Caves In To The Pressure


Folowing the campaign by UK Feminista and Object to ban Lad's Mags from the shelves of supermarkets and newsagents, this month's issue of Nuts sees a total change of outlook.
 
Take a look for yourself:
 
“In this weeks mag....
  • 7 page spread of Lucy Pinder disecting Britain's class system (1764 – 1806) and it's attitudes to women. Fully Un-illustrated!!!
  • Anne Widdecombe models this season's sauciest bikinis. Non-arousal guaranteed!!!
  • Part 1 of Kirsty Allsop's “Bobbin-Making for Boys”
  • Part 7 of Kelly Brook's “How to Hold Hands with a Girl”

 
 

 

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Happy Birthday Mr Mandela

Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela.

Without you we wouldn't be here.

Thank you for killing Hitler and stuff.

best wishes,
Sharnice, 19, Sunderland, England

Monday, 1 July 2013

Breaking News....oh, it didn't happen...LIVE!

A letter to the editor of the Guardian:

Dear Sir,

Please see the attached picture taken from your website last week.

I was gripped!

Thank you so much for your in depth coverage of Edward Snowden not doing something. I now feel as if I too was actually standing at that Cuban arrivals gate, full of interest and trepidation for the bespactcled geek and his backpack full of secrets, only to have my hopes dashed on the rocks of Guantanamo at his non-arrival. 18 hours staring at your website was well spent, in my humble opinion.

I very much look forward to your live coverage of David Cameron's failure to expell his bowells in Nick Clegg's front hall, and to Anne Widdicombe's highly anticipated non-appearance on the cover of Nuts.

Yours anytime, schnukums,

MKM Comedy esq. KBE, UPS, D-I-S-C-O


Saturday, 15 June 2013

A GAME OF THRONES

Daenerys Targaryen / Ned Stark / Joffrey Baratheon / Jaime Lannister / Jon Snow / Tyrion Lannister

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Jimmy Krankie : Forever Young


By Cedar Stars
Entertainment Editor
 
From the hotel window I see the speeding limo slide to a halt. Flashbulbs burst into life and the door swings open. Through the melee I can’t even see the passengers but in a second it has ended. The paps turn away, perhaps.....forever.
 
Could this be the last time I interview Jimmy Krankie? The prospect of a jail term looms over the perpetual boy, like a hawk over a mouse, like a shark under a swimmer and like a swimmer eating a hawk.
 
His crime? Organising sweets for a friend.
 
The recent furore over Tulisa, who found herself in a similar situation, has yet to die down. Who knows how it will affect her position as the nations favourite and most beautiful and most talented singer/rapper/judge/advertiser of things.
 
They say all publicity is good publicity, but tell that to Fred West.
 
As I scan Jimmy’s face I can tell this has hit the boy hard; he looks way, way older than his 9 years. He looks about 70! Alongside him, as always, is his carer Ian. The fuzzy hair not so fuzzy any more, Ian takes the lead.
 
Ahhh d’ya ken, ah canne beeleeeeve it, ah mean, wee Jimmy gonna get sent doon fa a crime he did’ne heevan deee man!” he simpers, tears welling in his mournful Celtic eyes.
 
My heart is bleeding for the man. I can’t see how I would cope, even with the support of family and friends, if I’d been born with an accent like that.
 
Can you repeat that, I didn’t quite understand?” I say with as much feeling as I can fake.
 
Ye tekin the piss?” he asks. I tell him that if he’s desperate it’s along the corridor and second to the right but Ian promptly places his fist against my face. This would have been fine, if it were not moving at around forty miles and hour.
 
After a shaky start I do believe the interview is improving.
John Barrowman has never sold sweets
 
Thanks for that Ian, but we need to talk about the elephant in the room,” I say, taking charge of the situation.
 
Ye tekin the piss oot a my wife noo?” and he lamps me again. I’m glad this is being filmed.
 
Ye better be glad this is being filmed, or I’d a kicked yer tits off by noo, ya southern willick” says Ian. I get the feeling this is affecting him a lot more than Jimmy, who just sits grinning at the camera and sticking his thumbs up.
 
If I could come to you Jimmy, can you elaborate on what happened that night?”
 
Jimmy adjusts his school cap and picks his nose, “Look, mah mate Fanny’s addicted te the Sherbert Dip-Dabs and...”
 
Is that a euphemism?”
 
What? No.... Anyway, I know this fella who parks outside a mah school, he’s got like a Porsche Cayenne or summit and he sells sweets from it, like a mobile tuck-shop.” Jimmy enthuses as he catapults a ball bearing into my neck, before continuing “Ach, he can git yer anything: Flying Saucers, Magic Dust, Fizz Wizz, Parma Violets, you name it he can get it. He’s got a contact in Marseilles. So ah I did was ring him up, get the gear for Fanny and away he goes. Next thing I’ve got bloody....”
 
Ian lamps Jimmy in the face, “Language boy!”
 
Sorry Ian.... next thing I know I’ve got reporters and paps ootside mah front door! Ah’ve got revision for me 11-plus to do!”
 
I thought you were 9?” I say.
 
Jimmy rolls his feminine eyes, “Oh for fu...”
 
LANGUAGE!” shouts Ian.
 
It’s five to five, it’s......time to end the interview. As the police slap the cuffs on Jimmy (still doing “thumbs up” and screeching “Fandabidozi” at the top of his lungs) I ponder whether he will ever see the light of day, although I suppose even if the judge sends him down for 50 years he’ll only be about 60 when he gets out.
 
Nevermind, I've got an appointment with Jeffrey Durham, aka the Great Suprendo.
If I play it right he might open up to some questions about his famous comedian ex-wife, Tracey Ullman. I hope he doesn't notice my black eye!
 
So, there and then I vow never to interview any member of the Krankies ever again.
Now now Jimmy, no need for that!

Here are some other “great” Cedar Stars interviews:

Katherine Jenkins reveals all

and

Harry Styles reveals not so much